Attachment & Marriage
In my first meeting with new couples, I always mention that the marital relationship is one of attachment. For those who have heard of attachment, it is understood in the context of a mother and her child. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth completed this groundbreaking research in the 1960’s and into the 80’s and it has revolutionized parenting, education, and even children’s hospital settings.
Basically, attachment is not a parenting style, as some people are led to believe. It is biology. It is body chemistry. It is survival.
With a mother and child, the attachment relationship/bonding is enhanced with eye contact, the nursing/feeding relationship, and touch. All of these release oxytocin, the bonding orlove hormone. Oxytocin is the glue that keeps children and their mothers connected; something essential for the species’ survival.
Over time, as the attachment relationship is reinforced and the baby grows into an exploring toddler, the caregiving relationship becomes a safe haven for the child to return to as well as a secure base for the child to go out from (safe haven/ secure base). In a compromised attachment relationship, reactions of anxiety and avoidance ensue.
What we aren’t told is that similar dynamics exist in the adult attachment relationship. Our relationships with our significant other is like no other because of the attachment piece. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone experienced by mothers and their children is also the bonding hormone adults experience with love making. The love hormone acts as a glue so that the husband and wife partner for life as they raise their children. The bonding and attachment of the marital relationship once again ensure the survival of the species. As Bowlby declared, humans need humans.
This leaves a vulnerability in the couple relationship because attachment needs feel like survival needs, ones that are hard wired into our humanity. So when attachment needs are neglected, feelings of fear, confusion, and anxiety manifest. However, when difficult feelings are responded to with emotional responsiveness, the negative feelings dissipate and feelings of security return - much like when a mother comforts an upset child. The bottom line question that each partner wants to have answered in both word and action is, “Are you there for me?”
Next week will go into more detail about how to lean into the attachment dynamic through (ARE) Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. However, before ending, I want to leave you with what being a secure base and a safe haven might look like in relationship:
Safe Haven: Providing Support and Comfort
· Debriefing/Discussing each other’s days
· Listening attentively to each other’s concerns
· Being concerned and providing comfort when needed (illness, fatigue, sadness)
· Showing concern for each other’s feelings (asking questions)
Secure Base: Encouraging Growth and Development
· Encouragement
· Showing interest in each other’s activities and pursuits
· Being curious and asking questions
· Wanting to know all about each other’s aspirations, hopes, and dreams
Try to apply a few of these over the next days and see if you sense a softening and deepening connection as you interact with you partner.
AND as an added bonus for reading this far into this kind of boring but full of good facts post, check out this song and its lyrics . . . way better sung about than blogged . . .
Kallow-Lilly V. & Fitzverald, J. (2015). An emotionally focused workbook for couples. New York: Routledge.
Dive Deeper…
Our Marriage Enrichment Course discusses the topic of attachment in marriage and provides opportunities for self-discovery and conversations for the two of you to discover more about each other. Learn more about the course by clicking the button below.
