Emotional Presence
In each relationship with the people closest to us, we want to feel safe and loved. We feel most safe and loved when there is what Sue Johnson calls emotional presence. Emotional Presence requires effort and often demands that we exert energy toward breaking the bad habits and changing the defaults that create distance and disconnection.
As humans, we tend to be lazy by nature. Our brains don’t want to work very hard. All of us have areas of our lives where we show competency and a strong work ethic. At the same time, all of us are well aware of places in our lives where we are negligent and have lent too much permission to bad habits. Sadly, we often allow complacency to settle into our most important relationships, especially our marriages.
It takes loads of inertia to get us out of our ruts and moving in a better direction. Unfortunately, sometimes the only motivating factor is a partner who has had enough. If we are lucky, the next stop is couples therapy rather than divorce court.
What if a significant portion of the relational divide could be resolved with emotional presence? Are you willing and open enough to put in the effort as an act of both love and prevention? It’s a lot like starting the exercise program before you get the high blood pressure diagnosis. Don’t wait for a difficult and life threatening diagnosis before taking steps toward positive change.
And if it already feels like it might be too little too late, don’t throw in the towel before taking steps forward and toward that the research shows work.
If you are looking to develop the habits of emotional presence, an acronym developed by Sue Johnson, A.R.E., is really helpful. Try to live into a space with your partner so that your partner’s answers to these universal relationship questions are an undeniable, YES!
Accessibility
Are you accessible?
Do I matter?
If I reach for you, will you be there?
Can I depend on you to prioritize me?
Can I access your attention and support when I need it?
Responsiveness
Are you responsive to my need?
Can I depend on you to respond to my cues and needs?
Do you attune to my feelings?
Will you comfort me when I need it?
Will you be sensitive, compassionate, and empathic?
Engagement
Are you engaged with me?
Will you treat me in such a way that validates the unique place I hold in your life?
Will you be curious and drawn to me?
Will you be tender and vulnerable, letting me come close?
Will you allow yourself to be affected by my feelings?
To help you to evaluate the level of emotional safety in your relationship, here is a quick A.R.E. assessment taken from Johnson’s Hold Me Tight:
Read each statement and determine if it is True or False: You may either complete this questionnaire as an individual or both you and your partner can complete it. If completing it individually, reflect upon your new understanding of this aspect of your relationship. If both you and your partner complete the questionnaire, consider discussing your answers together as suggested at the end of the questionnaire.
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
o My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T / F
o My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T / F
o I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T / F
o I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T / F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
o If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T / F
o My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T / F
o I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T / F
o Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T / F
o If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T / F
Are you positively emotionally engagedwith each other?
o I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T / F
o I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T / F
o I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T / F
o I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T / F
o I feel confident, even when apart, that we are connected to each other T / F
In scoring the questionnaire, give one point for each “true” answer.
If you scored 7 or above, you are on your way to a secure bond and utilizing the book, Hold Me Tight will help you to strengthen your connection. If you scored below 7, utilize the conversation guides of Hold Me Tightto strengthen the connection with your partner.
If you’ve tracked with me this far, then allow me to recommend three resources for you and your partner.
o Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson
o Created for Connection, by Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer
o An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Kallos-Lily and Fitzgerald
Dive Deeper…
Our Marriage Enrichment Course provides opportunities for further self-discovery and conversations for the two of you to discover more about each other. Learn more about the course by clicking the button below.
