The Marriage Puzzle: Sex
Over the past year as I have studied marriage and been acquiring a deeper understanding of the dynamics of healthy couples, quite a few myths that float around Christian circles were shattered. One cultural myth that needs smashing surrounds sex and the subsequent duty of wives (my stomach turns just writing that).
I want to write about this particular aspect as the first part of the marriage series because the expectations around sex can be so unhealthy and terribly misunderstood. In light of that, the bedroom can be a place that actually exacerbates the pain and disappointment of the relationship rather than a place that enhances its sacredness. Acts of physical intimacy devoid of emotional safety and connection further a relationship’s movement toward devastation.
On the other hand, research reveals that the best sex happens in committed relationships where there are three healthy dynamics consistently surfacing: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that when partners feel emotionally safe, known, and responded to, then the bedroom becomes a place to celebrate, experiment, and experience closeness. Short of other factors affecting intimacy, a healthy sex life results from a mutual commitment to accessibility, responsiveness, and attachment (ARE).
This is very different than the cultural myths telling women that their bodies are not their own and that because of that they must unconditionally provide sex for their husbands. Our Creator did not design sex to be a duty, but to be good, a celebration of all that is good, between a man and a woman.
Otherwise, women will feel obligated to perform and be available, while men can be tempted to take no responsibility for cultivating safety in the relationship; a partner can underperform in the friendship and partnership of marriage and still expect gratification at the end of the day. That’s hardly the good our Creator intended.
Creating accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement in your relationship allows sexual intimacy and the other foundational aspects of the couple’s relationship to flourish. The forthcoming blogs will explain how to unlock negative cycles and move toward healthier and softer ways of relating to one another.
Until then, here is a 15 minute video by Sue Johnson that explains the importance of safety in the relationship and its connection to sex. I hope you find it helpful.
**Since the video is all about sex, make sure little ears aren’t around when you are watching.
Dive Deeper…
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