Part 2 of Relational Conflict: Gardens or Graves

Part 1, Relational Conflict: Gardens or Graves, used too many words and very long, complex sentences. More than I like. So I wanted to do a second part that puts together what I tried to say in a more readable way. Part 1 establishes the concept. Part 2, defines it.  

Conflict approaches that are relationship killers (Graves):

  • Dismissive: Lacking acceptance of the other’s individuality and autonomy

  • Mindset: Fight to win

  • Emotions: Used to scare, manipulate, control; Misperception that one’s emotional state can only be remedied by the other acquiescing/changing/agreeing

  • Limit Setting: To control and punish, withholding/cutoff until the other shifts

  • Communication:  Weaponized to win – how one compiles and presents information, one partner can usually talk circles around the other until there is concession- numerous clients call this experience “the courtroom”- someone has to lose Self for peace (the ultimate relationship killer)

  • Perspective: Limiting- Insisting the other see things as they do, believing conflict resolution means staying with it until there is agreement

  • Goal: Agreement – which leads to aggression and frustration, disconnection, withholding, stonewalling/flooding

  • Values: Getting the other person to your side rather than valuing the individuality of the other; Prioritizing changing the other rather than appreciating and learning from differing points of view; Temporary emotional relief from difficult states by dominating/withdrawing even if it means sacrificing safety and connection

Conflict approaches that grow love and strengthen relationships (Gardens):

  • Acceptance:  Accepting of the other’s autonomy and individuality, knowing even though its scary and risky, conflict is part of healthy relationships

  • Mindset: One of growth, opportunity for strengthening the bond and knowing each other better

  • Emotions: Mindful of how when emotions are carefully processed, attended to, and responded to healthy growth occurs

  • Limit setting: To protect both the individual and the relationship by establishing terms that make the relationship sustainable

  • Communication:  Characterized by curiosity and seeking to understand, agendas set aside with a commitment to hear the other, engaging with the agreement/permission to take breaks when the tension goes next level

  • Perspective: Expansive- Being curious about the other’s emotions, needs, and experiences and wanting to convey that understanding

  • Goal: Keeping the goal of connection, safety, and undertanding way ahead of the goal of being right

  • Values: Safety and connection; being safe for the other even though stated differences at the moment might feel threatening; not sacrificing a momentary emotional win for what’s most sustainable for the long haul

Shakespeare got it right in Sonnet 116

 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark, 
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come; 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

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Relational Conflicts:  Gardens or Graves? (Part 1)