Relational Conflicts: Gardens or Graves? (Part 1)

Often individuals, couples, or families seek counseling for assistance with some form of conflict mediation.  Quite a few people experience disappointment when they seek professional counseling to fix perpetual relationship conflicts and the therapist doesn’t take a side or set the other partner straight. What’s more important than the counselor “fixing” a perpetual area of conflict (Marriage expert John Gottman reports that at least 2/3 of relationship problems are unsolvable ) or setting a partner straight, is the more sustainable approach of viewing and doing conflict differently. Our failures regarding conflict usually stem from what we learned as children by observing the adults in our lives mismanaging disagreements, and from what we are learning from the culture and media at large about how to approach, avoid, or dominate in conflict  

When it comes to conflict, what seems to help the most is allowing for a reorganizing of our perceptions of conflict. Learning a better approach to conflict; respecting agreed upon rules for engagement, both personally and interpersonally; and trusting the process leads to better and stronger relationship outcomes.  Conflict, although always risky, is of high relational value.  Properly repaired ruptures lead to deeper and sturdier attachments.

We have a personal choice when it comes to conflict and that choice, not the conflict, will either help a relationship, family, or organization to experience conflict in ways that help relationships to flourish and thrive or go in the other direction and take a dive. Approaching conflict with the mindset of a master gardener, one who understands the cutting, pruning, and hard work leads to a beautiful, vibrant, and flourishing garden. Conversely, when we see conflict as a battle to win, we end up with a win at any cost mindset, which will result in loss of connection, safety, and trust.  You also might be wondering if we can just avoid conflict and play it safe.  We can’t. Seeing conflict as something to avoid at all costs, never gives the relationship what it needs to strengthen and grow. Avoidance also leading to relational burnout, distancing, and unhealthy power differentials.

Models

What we see on television, for those who still watch it, are intense conflicts on air when pundits and commentators go at one another- what we don’t see is the laughing and joking when the cameras are off. It’s artificial conflict, like the WWE, but because as humans we are voyeuristic and can’t take our eyes off of a good fight. That benefits the advertisers, the ones who financially fund the programming and whom the talking heads serve.  What we don’t realize, unless we remember our Psych 101 courses is that social learning theory is in play. What we observe and are exposed to, whether in real life or on screens, subconsciously teaches us social behaviors and cues (whether positive or negative).  When we frequently expose ourselves to aggressive, winner takes all conflicts whether from sports or news commentators or reality tv shows, we start to think that’s how it’s done.

Same goes from what we learned from our parents when we were children. That’s another place that forms our approaches to conflict. When I work with couples, in the first or second session I ask them individually how their parents handled conflict. What was it like for them to see parents fight? Was it scary? What ideas did they develop about conflict? Did they decide when they are the big person they’ll be in the power position? Did they decide to just hide when things got intense? Did they ever see repairs after the ruptures?  We also note if they never saw conflict between parents; that speaks to something important as well.

Graves

Again, when people see conflict as a fight to win, they lose. They will fight to win at the expense of much important emotional safety, connection, and growth/healing. These folks see conflict as an event that happens in the gladiator arena. Fight to dominate- be heard- get your way- until the other acquiesces to your argument.  For these folks, we weaponize communication and insist on agreement. With persistence, you’ll win the argument, but your need to dominate will result in the destruction of love and safety and connection in the relationship. With enough of these episodes with your partner or children, you’ll always get your way, but you’ll lose their hearts and they will emotionally distance from you. In the marital relationship, this suffocates the flames of passion and fondness.

 When individuals see conflict as a situation to avoid at all costs, it’s usually because their early experiences and observations with conflict contained abuse dynamics. Or it’s part of the current relationship and they’ve given up on being heard and having influence. So for them, engaging in conflict leads to abuse and aggression and they learned to appease in tense situations. A survival move.  The problem with this is that behaviors within the relationship and the resulting loss of safe connection never get addressed and the problem grows. The offending partner never gets feedback (and maybe it’s not safe to give it) that something he or she is doing isn’t working.  So the behavior continues – like a garden that’s never weeded or pruned. Eventually what becomes overgrown because it was meant to be pruned, pulled, or redirected, chokes the life out of the relationship.  A grave.  (If you are being abused and need help, follow this link to a free and confidential hotline: thehotline.org  )

Gardens

The couples who seem to make the most progress in our work together are the ones who come to a new understanding of and appreciation for conflict. They begin to see conflict as a tool for movement toward health and growth. And like most things in this life that lead to health and growth; pain, discomfort, and risk will be part of the equation.  But to do conflict better, both partners have to overcome early life experiences regarding conflict.  Partners also need to reformat what culture erroneously teaches about conflict, which is to dominate, disconnect and cut off with unresolvable differences in perspective, approach, and values.   When couples commit to following new rules and principles for engagement they experience newfound hope and relational resilience.

The couples who start to thrive through conflict are the ones who mutually choose to protect love, safety, and connection above anything else. They mutually approach differences with humility and curiosity rather than seeing them as threats or something to forcefully try to challenge and change. And weaving in the garden metaphor, when ugly weeds start to creep in and overgrowth starts to choke out the relationship’s life energy, they mutually approach the conflict with wisdom, patience, and a commitment to self-regulation and protecting connection.  They both know that what best serves the long term relationship goals include 1) tolerating the discomfort of tough conversations and confrontations; 2) maintaining the fortitude it takes to not force an agenda on the other; 3) committing to the countercultural move of being curious and compassionate, seeking understanding rather than judging and forcing agreement; 4) prioritizing safety and connection; and 5) creating spaces for dates and fun connection to fortify themselves for the harder moments.  Gardens.