Forgiveness is not Reconciliation

One of the most frequent conversations I have with clients is differentiating forgiveness and reconciliation. So let me explain that to you: Forgiving does not mean reconciling. 

So many people are told that we can't heal without forgiving; that our bitterness hinders our personal connection with God and ruins our own peace. That's accurate.

Yet our forgiving someone isn't a pass for the one who hurt us to regain access to our hearts and world. That's where reconciliation comes in. Reconciliation happens when the person who caused pain takes steps to fix what got broken.

So there is forgiveness, which is between your heart and God. For your good, your freedom, your healing, your wholeheartedness. 

Then there is repair. Reconciling. When the one who caused pain and rupture makes a solid repair. A solid repair entails taking responsibility for the hurt caused, showing remorse for causing pain and heartache, sharing the intentions to do things differently, and revealing a commitment to be safer and more consistent moving forward. Without these heart felt and humble moves on the part of the one who caused the wound, reconciliation can’t happen. 

Many people, when I initiate a conversation about forgiveness being an important consideration for healing, look at me with eyes wide open, hearts full of fear and dread. They look at me like I want to set them up for being hurt and abused all over again. They are thinking I am suggesting that they have to permit access to the aggressor. 

Once we differentiate how forgiveness is an individual act, and how reconciliation requires two people, with the offender being willing to humbly take responsibility and make a solid repair, there is a peace and understanding that settles for the one seeking support. And often a willingness to take the brave step of forgiving and letting go.