A Missing Piece
Puzzle Piece 5: A Possible Missing Piece - Addiction- Betrayals- Abuse- Neglect
Over the past few weeks I’ve been sharing with you important pieces to putting together a meaningful and fulfilling life with your partner. We talked about the science of attachment (secure base / safe haven ) and A.R.E. (awareness, responsiveness, and engagement), even explaining how creating emotional safety in your relationship leads to more fulfilling times of intimacy. We also talked about raw spots and how their being triggered throws us into the disheartening cycles of disconnection. In a perfect world, you and your partner would learn about this stuff and have the conversations about your internal worlds, and the fighting and misunderstandings would considerably diminish.
However, it’s usually so much more complex than that. Moreover, there can be some perpetual gridlocks and unfinished business couples need to confront before the relationship can feel like there is any hope for it ever being a place of safety.
What can keep a couple from finding freedom and safety in one another?
1. Only one partner wants to do the work or recognizes that the marriage is in need of repair. This can be the partner whose needs have not been met for most of the marriage, reaching for the neglectful partner in one last attempt to make the marriage healthy and meaningful. OR the partner whose needs have not been met for the entire marriage has emotionally checked out while the other partner is finally seeking tools and change out of a desperate fear of the marriage’s failure and end.
2. Addiction. Any sort of addiction is a form of turning away from the marriage relationship to find solace while moving toward a substitute. It is an attempt at replacing the need for healthy attachment with a human being to having the attachment need be met by an object. Rather than going to the relationship for soothing, a partner goes to the addiction for comforting and a sense of feeling right in the world. Sometimes this happens because the person has given up on finding consolation in the relationship. Other times, there’s no easy explanation because addiction gets complicated. Addictions can be to social media, work, porn, exercise, food, drugs, gaming, alcohol, shopping, etc. Over time, any of those pursuits leave the user and the partner feeling empty, alone, and isolated.
3. Betrayals. Most people don’t come into marriages aware of what tools they need for the relationship to stay strong and for the connection to remain intact. It’s not that love loses its luster over time, but it matures and becomes something deeper. However, for some people, when the initial excitement wanes, complacency settles in. The pursuit stops. Or feelings get hurt and distancing occurs, but nobody really understands what’s going on because attempts to stop the cycle end badly. Eventually partners start to hurt one another more deeply. Affairs. Not sharing the load with kids and household matters. Becoming no more than business partners and roommates. Relying on the 4 Horseman to self-protect (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling). Betrayals can be repaired when both partners are willing to own their parts and rebuild trust.
4. Cycles of abuse. Abuse in a marriage destroys its foundation and the emotional well-being of the partner being victimized. Sometimes abuse can be subtle and the victim doesn’t even see the abuse for what it is. At other times, the abuse is obvious and there is no denying it. Abuse can be outward displays of physical violence, or more subtle forms like verbal and emotional abuse.
Next Steps
I’m sure there are more reasons than this, but these are the ones that most readily come to mind when I think of what keeps couples stuck. In these situations, couples must find outside supports to help facilitate their healing. Finding a therapist who follows protocols developed by John Gottman or Sue Johnson (EFT) can really help.
If your partner doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling, you can start seeking support and growth on your own. As the saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” By your changing your interactions in the unhealthy cycles with your partner, you can be a catalyst for positive change in your life, which will inevitably impact the life of your partner.
If you are being abused and need help with your situation, reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
If any of the other scenarios apply to your current relationship, I encourage you to find an experienced couples therapist or find an individual counselor to guide you toward new solutions for your relationship and your Self.
Dive Deeper…
Our Marriage Enrichment Course provides opportunities for self-discovery and conversations for the two of you to discover more about each other. Learn more about the course by clicking the button below.
