Raw Spots & Connection
Naming Raw Spots
When our most important connections feel threatened so does survival. When survival feels threatened we sort of lose our minds and act in ways we don’t recognize. If you have studied neurobiology you understand that under perceived threat, we shift from the part of our brain that does relationship well to the part of our brain that keeps us alive with fight, flight, or freeze. So that explains the crazy cycle. But to really stop it, we need to know our raw spots, share them with our partners, and be able to articulate what’s going on when we feel them being triggered.
A few basics on raw spots
A raw spot is an emotional vulnerability or “a hypersensitivity formed by moments in our past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed, resulting in our feeling . . . emotionally deprivedor deserted.” (Johnson & Sanderfer, 2016, p. 110)
Raw spots originate in relationships from the past where we have been wounded by significant people or when we have experienced abandonment or deprivation in the current relationship.
You know a raw spot has been hit when there is a sudden shift in the conversation’s tone and atmosphere. Reactions seem way out of proportion to the situation at hand.
Common feelings associated with triggered raw spots: lonely, dismissed and unimportant, frustrated and helpless, intimidated, on guard and uncomfortable, scared, hurt, hopeless, helpless, intimidated, threatened, panicked, rejected, like I don’t matter, ignored, inadequate, shut out and alone, confused and lost, embarrassed, ashamed, blank, afraid, shocked, sad, forlorn, disappointed, isolated, let down, numb, humiliated, overwhelmed, small or insignificant, unwanted, vulnerable, worried.
How do we get beyond the raw spots?
1) Identify your raw spots- Answer the following questions using a recent situation where you reacted and lost your sense of safety in the relationship. Really take your time on this. It could save you a lot of money in couple’s therapy ;-)
Content
o What was happening in the relationship?
o What was the negative attachment cue, the trigger that created a sense of emotional disconnection for you?
o What was your general feeling in the split second before you reacted and got mad or went numb?
o What did your partner specifically do or say that sparked this response?
Body Awareness
o As you think of a moment when your own raw spot is rubbed, what happens to your body? (feel spacey, detached, hot, breathless, tight in the chest, very small, empty, shaky, tearful, cold, on fire)
Cognitive Awareness
o What does your brain decide about the meaning of all this?
o What do you say to yourself when this happens?
o What do you do then?
o How do you move into ACTION?
2) Tie it all Together- Fill in the blanks based on the prior incident.
In this incident, the trigger for my raw feeling was ________________________. On the surface, I probably showed ________________________. But deep down, I just felt _______________________________. (Pick one of the basic negative emotions, e.g., sadness, anger, shame, fear)
3) Discover the Source of Your Raw Spots
o Did the raw spot emerge from a past relationship with parents? Siblings? Peers? Past dating relationship? Or was it birthed in the current relationship? Any old ghosts standing behind your lover?
o Are you able remember any insensitive or painful interactions from a person in the past that might have created the vulnerability – attachment fear- insecurity?
o Does your partner see the vulnerability or do you think your partner only sees the surface feeling/action response and reactivity?
o Any guesses as to your partner’s raw spots?
4) Have a conversation with you partner where you share what you both have learned.
(See page 45 of An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples for help on structuring the conversation. Or reference Johnson and Sanderfer’s book, Created for Connection.)
Sometimes these conversation can get be more difficult than we expect, even when both partners are being vulnerable and open to understanding one another better and healing the cycle. If you find yourselves getting stuck, don’t force a conversation that’s creating more pain, but rather find an experienced couples therapist to help facilitate your healing conversations.
References
o Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson
o Created for Connection, by Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer
o An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples, by Kallos-Lily and Fitzgerald
Dive Deeper…
Our Marriage Enrichment Course provides opportunities for self-discovery and conversations for the two of you to discover more about each other. Learn more about the course by clicking the button below.
