Growth in Darkness
Why does it seem like our darkest times do the most for us? In my practice and in my own life, I have seen the miracle of darkness potentially create the catalyst for powerful change in one’s life.
In my own cycles, I have noticed that when life gets tough, I climb miles deep down into the hole that is darkness. Ironically, I go deep into the pit by going way way up into my head- thinking that I can analyze my way out. My morning pages get filled with grime and sludge as I wander through the caverns of my mind, blinded by a false sense that the right combination of thoughts and understanding, aloneness and analysis will open up for me the pathways out of overwhelm and powerlessness.
For others, they do the opposite where they constantly busy themselves with people, substances, work, and distraction. It’s the other way of avoiding and acknowledgment issues and pain.
In my case, I eventually run out of gas, give up on my self-sufficiency, and finally give in to surrender. I come to the end of myself and stop looking intellectually inward for solutions. My slow crawl out of the darkness has a pattern:
1) Surrender- I give up on my own resources as being the trailhead toward the exit.
2) Reaching- I slowly start talking with honesty and vulnerability to one or two wise, sensitive, and mature individuals who are constants in my life.
3) Worship- I wish I did this sooner in process, but eventually, when I give up on myself, I start getting into nature to remind myself that there is a God and I am not He . . . And I start listening to and singing along with the kind of music that reminds me that He is my way out (even if I’m mad at Him).
4) Thankfulness- I force myself to make lists of what I’m grateful for. Air. Kids. Husband. Family. Freedom. Food. Whatever comes to mind. It takes inertia to get it moving, but the momentum created by gratitude astounds me.
All of this to say, darkness can be a gift if, when we find ourselves buried, we move toward rebirth through the healing pathways that take us beyond our self-sufficiency and isolation, as well as our overcrowded schedules, noise, and numbing. When we move toward surrender and acceptance while also reaching for connection with others and our Creator, a more magnificent, relatable, and fruitful version of ourselves emerges.
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