The Best ME for the Best US

Couples therapy doesn’t always go the way we’d hope. Some arrive to the starting line without the needed inner equipment. Some couples bring individual challenges and stories that need addressing before the couple can start working together to tackle its relational challenges (what we call the cycle).

While doing individual work often brings greater wholeness to the marriage, if only one partner pursues individual counseling, only one person heals. Sometimes the person who heals can no longer tolerate what is now clearly the others’ unhealthy, abusive, and toxic behaviors; a partner can get too healthy to stay in an abusive situation. Other times, the partner in therapy sees the mismatch, disconnect, and unmet needs in the relationship.  Making personal meaning of the why, the partner decides to go the distance with the marriage while finding ways to grieve unmet needs, getting them met through healthy supports (and spiritual practices).

Whether or not you can find therapeutic care for your relationship, the clearest path to a fulfilling and flourishing marriage is the one where both of you commit to being the healthiest versions of yourselves.  And, if you head into couples therapy already doing your part to be a healthy human, good couples therapy will support the lasting legacy you and your partner are endeavoring to give your children, grandchildren, and the world.

The following list is based on two things: 1) Counseling experiences where I noted what was missing for the couples who ended therapy before getting results they had hoped and 2) Counseling experiences where I noted what the couples who started healing did as individuals and together that led to relational satisfaction and deeper connection. 

 If I want to be the best me so we can be the best us, what do I need to be developing?

1) The capacity to self-reflect, know yourself, and see how your idiosyncrasies contribute to the good and bad of your relationship.

2) The humility to see your part in conflicts and the willingness to clean up the messes you are responsible for making.

3) The ability to perspective take- to see things from the other’s point of view and what it might feel like to be in the other’s shoes.

4) Knowing your developmental (emotional/psychological/relational) history and how it has impacted your perceptions and informs your fears.

5) Maintaining an openness to learning about how what you went through in past relationships (family of origin especially) developed your protective/avoidant or anxious/aggressive tendencies under pressure.

6) Being open to a growth mindset that believes you can change for the better and so can others- that there are scientifically proven mechanisms and models for growth and healing that work.

7) Not playing the blame game where you are the victim and your partner is always the problem (this principle goes out the window when there are affairs, abuse, addiction(s), etc.)

8) Developing and maintaining coping skills aimed at self-regulation so that you don’t put inordinate stress on your partner to rescue you in distress and discomfort. There is definitely room for being cared for and settled in the marriage relationship, but you are both adults so it’s not the same as parent-child responsibilities to settle each other.

9) Knowing your cues that tell you that you are flooded and overwhelmed and needing to take a break until the nervous systems settles.

10) And just like you can’t blame your partner for all of the problems, you can’t blame solely yourself, thinking if only you were a better communicator or more attentive to your partner or did more than what you are already doing, things would be better. It’s not all on you- marriage is a team thing- only as strong, resilient, and emotionally healthy as what both individuals bring to it.

11) Get into treatment for your addiction if you have one.

12) Spend time with friends and supports doing regenerative life building things (different than online gaming together, going out for drinks, engaging via tech)

13)  If you have a history of being abandoned, abused, or neglected by one or both parents, or in your lifetime being abused in any way (verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual) seek treatment for this as those hurts will certainly impact the other relationships in your life (including your relationship to yourself).

14)  Grow in your understanding and implementation of boundaries. Generational boundaries. Boundaries with family of origin. Boundaries with technology and work. And sometimes with your partner.  This takes a lot of study and input from healthy resources because it can be counterintuitive to apply.