Toward Gentleness
My blogging disappeared for the summer. With all five kids and my husband home for three months, the rhythms I maintained during the school year went out the window. And if you take a minute to read my last blog about surrender, you’ll get that a few personal events wiped me out and I didn’t recover quickly.
I don’t recover quickly.
When life comes at me really hard, it seems that lately, it takes me a while to get back on my feet. It reminds me of a tree in autumn- where the winds blow and the storms shake off all of my leaves and remaining fruit, leaving me barren.
But then in the winter, in that time of barreness, I get stronger and more deeply rooted. I press into my connection with my Creator, spend more time journaling and resting, go on long walks with my husband, and generally slow down.
My friends know this about me. They know that I pull in when life gets away from me and I am overwhelmed. Even my social media activity reflects this about me. My husband jokes that I hide myself in my tower for a while, but he also reminds me that I always come out stronger, brighter, and with more to offer the world.
In some ways, it is the way of Jesus- he pulled away for short periods of time. Nouwen writes, “So much in me seeks influence, power, success, and popularity. But the way of Jesus is the way of hiddenness, powerlessness, and littlenesss. It does not seem a very appealing way. Yet when I enter into true deep communion with Jesus I will find that it is this small way that leads to real peace and joy.” Our slowing down to regroup brings us back to center.
In this last season of brokenness, quietness and hiddenness I started reflecting a little bit more about how God made me to be- my innate personality, combined with how I have learned to survive in the world, and I am learning to accept things about myself that I used to resent. Like this need to pull away and find solace when life seems overwhelming and chaotic. I used to wonder why and be mad at myself because I wasn’t more outgoing and wasn’t able to just jump back into life, busyness, and producing as I see others doing. But toward the end of this summer, I decided I would let myself be myself, which means allowing myself the freedom to slow down and take my time moving past some difficulties. Just the idea of being gentle with myself -if that makes any sense.
So there you go, my explanation for where I’ve been, not that you were wondering. And my only desire for you is that you would take the time to start understanding yourself better and then begin being more gentle with yourself. We need to build our schedules and lives around our unique design. As you move forward into the fall, let the leaves be shaken a bit. Lean into the barreness of the season and let it be a time for the strengthening and deepening of your roots as you seek to understand who you were made to be, your unique design, and who you were intended to be in relationship to your Creator. Benner writes, “Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God, we find our most authentic self.”
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