You: Hero of Your Story

Toward the end of last week’s blog I wrote that I’d be following up a bit more about Integrity vs Despair and how we can keep ourselves from climbing a ladder that’s leaning against the wrong building.  I should have written the second part right there on the spot so the thoughts would have more continuity, so bear with me as I add a new twist. 

The other day while on a run, I asked myself, “What if we make that intention toward a well-lived life, but then the journey toward that destination fills up with unanticipated losses and disappointments?” 

And then in my mind I saw a picture of a book. (I sometimes think in pictures.)

It’s very much as if, with each day of our life, we add a page to our story.  And just like a story’s plot, life isn’t so linear that we can just declare, “Here is where I want to be at the end of my life,” and then expect that it will turn out absolutely as planned.  A novel like that would never sell.  

While at times, life does appear to be a narrative we write where we can take the reins and command our destinies – we may choose our college, our careers, how many children we do or do not have, where we live, and how we spend and save our money - we know very well that life also comprises the unexpected; that sometimes life just happens - job loss, infidelity, infertility, the death of a loved one, a shattered dream.

So we walk this weird line of what philosophers call free will and determinism. It’s where we make plans and decisions, dream dreams, and take action steps; yet at the same time we hold out for hope that things will work out, because we know that unforeseen events will occur.  

We steer our ships and do the maintenance, all the while knowing antagonists are out there.  

Our stories are full of antagonists.  

And we are the heroes looking to overcome them as we move toward a life well-lived. 

If we are the heroes, we had better take a second to think about them (I’m totally thinking of the movie Wonder Woman).  A hero doesn’t ignore an antagonist and hope that eventually, it will go away.  A hero moves toward discomfort and faces it. A hero doesn’t quit when antagonists show up.  She doesn’t change her big picture values and sense of destiny because a bully comes on the scene.  A hero refuses to bow to culture and its constantly changing and unrealistic expectations of her.  And a hero, although she might need to make a course correction, doesn’t turn the ship around and take it back to port.  A hero doesn't give away her power, but finds a way to gracefully battle through losses and keep the ship sailing. 

Finally, a hero wastes nothing.  Not even defeat and disappointment.  Our battles against the antagonists in our lives can become our life’s greatest forces for change and growth. Our losses, our grief, our poor decisions, our disappointment, the things that didn’t work out as we had hoped, the relationships that have caused us pain: None are wasted.  

So how do we plan for a life well-lived, not allowing unforeseen losses carry us to despair?   How do we determine nothing will be wasted and that we will write a story that exemplifies a life well-lived?

1.     Choose to be the hero in your narrative, knowing that you have determined that the ending      will be a life well-lived.

2.     Know your values and what’s in your heart – spend time working them out and identifying them by developing times of reflection, by connecting with thoughtful friends, or by finding a therapist.  And then regardless of what comes at you (culture, conflict, loss, et al.), stay grounded with the anchors that you’ve determined are nonnegotiable.

3.     Don’t go it alone. Every great hero has a side kick.  Find a few.

4.     Forage for resources in books, podcasts, blogs, and social media outlets that move your heart toward meaning, encourage your values, and show you how to grow.  

5.     Cultivate rhythms of  spirituality that help you to stay connected with the bigger existential picture- so that the trees of life don’t absorb your attention to the point you don’t see the forest. 

I wish you the best as you take the harder and more intentional steps toward a life well-lived. One day at time; one page at a time. The path at times will be steep and the landscape arduous, but the view from the top . . . will make it all worth it. 

As always, thanks for reading.

Lanie 

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