Breaking and Repairing
My last post, one that captured the concept of broken love, pointed out how imperfect our love can be and how much damage we may inadvertently do to loved ones. In my own world I get the most hurt by and do the most hurting to the ones I love the most. Not that we wound one another on purpose.
In the therapy office, it’s the same thing. Often the work we do guides clients through healing from hurts caused by parents, siblings, partners, friends, and children. On the flipside, we also guide clients through their own processes of bringing healing and making strong amends to those they’ve knowingly hurt.
The best and most encouraging news I’ve recently learned is that a solid attempt to repair a relationship rupture leads to a bond that becomes stronger than ever. This information takes the pressure off of perfectly doing relationships and instead puts the emphasis on honesty, humility, taking responsibility, and love.
It reminds me of what we are told about resetting broken bones. Broken love. Yes. Our imperfect ways of acting and being with those we love can fracture and break connection and safety. But just like a doctor can reset a bone, using a cast to support and protect the healing process, resulting in a stronger than ever bone, we can do the same thing in relationship mishaps by following a few principles:
1) We need to stay self-aware and humble in relationships, aware that those we are closest to see our flaws, help to surface our flaws, and are most affected by them.
2) We need to stay mindful that an apology is different than a repair. An apology is simply, “I’m sorry I did that.” A repair is way more involved and sets the foundation for relationship recovery.
3) A repair involves humility, self-reflection, emotional attunement, and clarity:
Before we approach someone we have hurt with an attempt at repair, we need to first seek our own clarity on how we caused our loved one pain. We also might need to understand what was going on for us (Did we experience fear? Did we get hurt? Did we make an assumption? Were we triggered?) In seeking to understand ourselves we are not looking for excuses to make in the repair conversation (probably don’t do that). We are just trying to understand what happened so it’s less likely to happen next time.
Clearly and specifically speak to your loved one about the pain you caused
Validate the others’ hurt (this means don’t minimize, don’t dismiss, don’t make fun of, don’t criticize, and don’t make excuses for yourself)
Take responsibility for your hurtful behavior
Convey regret/remorse
Reassure ---- One way to do this is to ask if there is anything your loved one needs from you in order to move forward in safety and connection (depending on the relationship, it might be something like time, or a hug, or a walk, or for something broken to be replaced, etc.)
Sometimes the repair conversation leads to a quick recovery, within moments; while other times the result of a repair conversation takes effect after a lot of time and lived out amends.
Deep hurts, even when a solid amends is made, need time and consistently improved behavior (proof of change). I’ve had this go both ways in my own life where I’ve sought to repair relationship ruptures I had caused. Most of the time, it goes well and things move back to safety and connection rather quickly. However, in one instance, it wasn’t until two years after the initial repair conversation and my commitment to making an ongoing living amends that the relationship healed to a place where I can confidently say, “stronger than ever.”
Dive Deeper…
Our course on attachment explores the concept of bonds in relationships and how we can bond while loving imperfectly. Learn more about the course by clicking the button below.